Excuse My Randomness

Forever

2011-12-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

Less than a year ago, I lost my brother. I was by his side when he finally lost a very long, hard fought battle with his cancer. It was painful and hard, but I had 8 1/2 years to prepare for that day, to grieve and be angry, to take advantage of the time I had left with him to the fullest. By the time he left us, I was as ready to let go of someone I loved with every fiber of my being, well - as ready as anyone can be. His pain was ended, he was with God - I do not know how I knew that he was and that he was ok, but I just knew it.

345 days after the loss of my brother, I lost one of my beautiful and loving nephews. He was all boy, full of life and love that i can't even begin to put into words. But he was so loving and so kind... He had a heart as big as his amazing, wonderful smile. Oh man, and that smile and those blue eyes, just the thought of how his face lit up makes me smile. He was taken from us way to young at 21, with so much more to give. He died tragically in a car accident... No horseplay, no partying, no one to blame, it was genuinely an accident. By some miracle his passenger was not hurt, but my nephew died immediately upon impact.

Upon hearing the news - I kept waiting for a phone call to tell us there was some tragic mistake. He wasn't dead after all, there was a mix up, someone was wrong, but that call never came. I thought if I saw him, that would make it real, but it didn’t, it only numbed me. It still hasn’t sunk in. I know he is gone, but I keep hoping and praying that I will wake up and it will have been a dream, a bad - horrible - terrible dream. On the odd occasions I do sleep, I dream about him and my brother. Those dreams are beautiful and warm and happy, but it nearly kills me when I wake up and loose them all over again.

In two days I will go with my sister to bury her oldest child. Stand with my parents, siblings, family and friends to lay to rest this all to young beautiful soul. We all have a hole in us that will never be filled, questions about why that will never be answered, tears that will lessen, but never stop and pain that will dull but never go away.

There are things that will stick with me for the rest of my life from all of this. I will forever be uneasy when December comes and cringe just a little when the phone rings. Be uneasy when my children leave, even for a short time. Hug and tell people I love them, remember every person I ever cared about and lost. Pray with every breath that those that I love are safe and ask God to get me though this minute. Not this month, not this day, not even this hour, but this minute, because my heart is broken and I am not sure it will every truly heal this time.

Forever is how long I will love you ... forever is how long I will remember you... forever is how long I will hold you within the pieces of my broken heart.

Somewhere in the Middle

2011-09-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Fear is an amazing motivator and stress can cause even the strongest of souls to weaken. It's in moments like these, where you can see what people are made of, who they truly are. Will they run into the building to save others or push people out of the way to save themselves. We all would like to think we would save others, it would be a much better world if that were the case. Sadly, it's not.

I am struggling with how I feel about the one who pushes people out of the way to save them-self. Mainly because I am faced with dealing with this very person more often than I care to. Most of us have met this person. Some of us even have the foot prints on our backs, as reminders of our encounter with them. No one is safe from the subversive blows that are often quietly delivered, not their "friends", strangers or even the object of their motivation. You will recognize them by the way they single out the person they feel is most important in the room (their VIP) and attach themselves. In the VIP's company they go all out, being exactly the person they think their "VIP" wants them to be. They constantly plant nuggets of negativity, doubt and suspicion in the VIP's mind about others, so they can isolate them for those who might shine a light on their behavior. This is someone who will stab another in the back with one hand while offering comfort with the other. All in the name of self-preservation, getting ahead or whatever it is that they want.

Part of me wants to "do unto others...", but I really don't want to be that person. I never want to get ahead on the backs of others or save myself by sacrificing another. Then there is the ever optimist in me that wants to just see things from their point of view. Understand why they act the way they do, empathize with their situation and give them the opportunity to do better. I have no real desire to be a doormat, so while I do often take that approach, I do have my limits on how many times I am willing to get bit before I stop extending a hand. There also this tiny part of me that wants to fall somewhere in the middle, not wanting to let them get away with the behavior - yet not torpedoing them personally. I acknowledge that it is just as wrong to set things in motion as it is to do the deed yourself.

It's a constant struggle, a Bermuda Triangle of ethics and somewhere in the middle is the answer, but where exactly I fall in there varies. I'd like to think I land as close to the middle as possible on most days. Doing as little damage to others as possible, leaving things better than I found them when I leave. I know that isn't always the case... I am only human after all. I really do strive for that mark and I think over all I do ok. I am constantly learning, striving to do better and hopefully, one of these days, I will get it right.

Till next time...

Better Late Than Never...

2011-08-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

I try really hard to look at both sides of a situation and land as close to the middle, between the two points, as possible. Sometimes I have Annie Oakley accuracy... Other times I couldn’t hit the middle with a map, guide dog and a gps. I seem to be leaning so far into guide dog territory right now, that I better buy stock in milk bones.

Call it bad Mojo, karma or just a good old fashion funk , whatever it is - I’m up to my neck in it. I should know by now that when things go sideways, you need to let them settle before you try to fix it. That was my first mistake. I wont bore you with the endless dominos that have been falling - and quite honestly are still tumbling over, all I know is that a lesson learned late, is still a lesson learned.

I guess the question is now what? What do you do when you have two months of mistakes compounded? Sit and go over every conversation and exchange that took place and try to dissect what went wrong or sit and be still, do nothing and just let the dust settle before I pickup and move forward? Every bad relationship that I have ever been in tells me that pouring over the whole mess is just going to give me a headache and make me mad. This time I am going with the snow globe approach. I’m going to pretend that I am in the middle of an over filled snow globe that has been shaken up and left sitting on the table. I may have been bounced around the glass a few times, but I know if I just lay low and sit still for a bit, when the last bits settle on the bottom... I am good to go.

Here’s the problem, I have never been very good at sitting still or waiting. I yell at the microwave to hurry up. Yes, this is going to be a challenge. However, it is slightly reassuring to know that every bad relationship you ever had has some use. It’s kinda like realizing that algebra wasn’t really a waist of time because you actually had a useful purpose for it.

Till next time...

Take care.

A Different Point of View

2011-04-03T19:34:00.000-07:00

The first time I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" it was with a friend of mine. Now in my defense, I simply mentioned I had the movie and he said he would like to see it. It was watching that movie, that I realized how drastically different two people can see the same thing. While I was watching it I saw a movie based on a book, that was based on the authors life experiences and the people she met along the way of a very personal journey through self discovery. She didn't hide from her mistakes, she analyzed them and tried to learn from them. Sometimes she failed (and failed again) before she moved forward, but ultimately she moved forward. She didn't do it in a perfect and tidy way, it was a fall down, get up, fall down, get up process for her. What he saw, to much casual sex. I kid you not, he left about 10 minutes before the end, so he didn't even get to see that it wasn't a tidy, happily ever after ending, rather the beginning of a new chapter of possibilities kind of ending.

This weekend the movie was on again so I turned it on. I wanted to see if I could see it from a different view point, his view point. Nope, I couldn't do it. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the movie the way he saw it. Now I am wondering, did I romanticize the movie or did he miss the bigger picture? I'm sure somewhere between the two is a happy medium and a truer picture. But it got me thinking about how differently we all see the same things. Over all I think that is a good thing. Different perspectives can help us step outside of ourselves and look at things in a different way, seeing things we never would have seen before. That brought me to another question, the people we are closest to - should they be someone who thinks more similarly to us, or who see things in a different light, a different way? On one hand is nice to have a different perspective, but in the long run will that opposing view take it's toll? Will the differences be to much? I am guessing that like the views on the movie, somewhere in the middle is where the answer hides.

Till next time...

An Apple a Day...

2011-03-22T22:37:00.001-07:00

I am the first to admit that I love my gadgets, especially my iPad 2. It's new, powerful and somewhat magical, but it still doesn't take anything away from the others. (We are a multi-device household, 6 and counting... From desktops to handhelds) Every time I pick it up, I find a new way to use it and a new task that it can help me manage. From homework to work, even things around the house, it just works. The best thing about it is how they all work together, sync and update seamlessly. No jealousy, arguments or fighting. Wouldn't it be lovely if life worked like that?

I think that is what draws me into technology. When the work day goes south, the kids just can't seem to get along and everything is an uphill battle... I know where to turn for something to go right. I know that may sound a little weird, but it could be worse. How many times in our lives have we turned elsewhere to find comfort, a safe place or the illusion of balance? People constantly are looking for outlets - some good, some not so good. I recall a period in my life when Ben, Jerry & I were very tight. Between high school, dating and adolescence - oh yea, we were the best of friends. Chocolate, stress eating and many various obsessions that have nothing to do with food, over my many years, have once filled the space that technology now does.

I personally think it's a good thing. When I don't feel like getting on the elliptical, I treat myself to some quiet time with my favorite tunes or something good to watch on my iPad. Yes, I realize I am bribing myself - but it's a good bribe. I do something healthy, I decompress a little and there is no chocolate involved. Speaking of chocolate, do you have any idea how much better chocolate is when you are not angry, crying or stressed? You should try it, it's yummy! When the kids are getting stressed with their school work, I can pull up a video lesson, a game about what we are working on, or a skill building activity on one of the devices and they are drawn right back in. First I distract them, take the focus off of the anxiety of the problem and redirect them to looking at the problem (or lesson) in a new way and in the process, help them to learn something. More than just help them, I engage them and help make them excited about what we are working on. It works, brilliantly! It kinda make me wish there was an APP for puberty.

I very rarely feel overwhelmed or have that drowning feeling anymore. I know I am not alone having that one... You know, having so many things swirling around you that you feel like you are just going to be swallowed up. It's because I don't try to remember it all and keep it in my head anymore. Once I enter it into one device, it syncs with my other devices and programs and no matter where I am - poof, I can find what I need and deal with just about anything that comes up. In truth, about the only time I do stress is when I don't get something entered. It's not a flawless system, but Ben & Jerry are now just acquaintances, chocolate is for savoring and I look forward to my time on the elliptical. Well, as much as anyone can look forward to the elliptical.

Bottom line is that an obsession is an obsession. To much of anything is never good, but if you can incorporate something you love (family), with something that you like (tech) and in the end the pro's out-weight the con's, then it's a good thing. I freely admit that I do need to cut back some. My sister would love to walk into the house and have a conversation with someone not attached to a computer, phone or other electronic device. (My obsessions have become infectious, my parents are worse than the kids) But, in our defense no one has tried to plug her in yet when she goes into sleep mode, so I think there is hope for us yet!

Till next time!

I’ve finally lost my mind...

2011-03-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

We all knew it was coming. I just figured it would be because of my children entering puberty. Who knew it would be because of my beloved electronics?!? I’ve never been one to jump on the bandwagon and buy a product at launch, but I couldn’t help myself this time!

I have been dying to get my hands on an iPad when they were still just a rumor, then when they came out without the camera, I was so disappointed. But I had faith that the second one wouldn’t let me down - and it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think it will. You should have seen me hanging onto every word blogged and pirated bit of audio out of that live even! It really was shameless, but it felt good - really, really good. It was almost painful waiting for launch day, realizing there was no pre-order. I dutifully set my alarm and got up hours before the crack of dawn and placed my order. Then I waited... Impatiently.

My early morning order became a source of frustration while I waited and waited and waited for my status to change from Not Yet Shipped, to Processing. It became a waiting game, one I was quickly loosing. It was almost as if I thought if I hit the refresh button enough, it would magically move to the next step in my processing and shipping drama. I nearly lost my mind when it left the factory and then got to the FedEx location after the cut off time. That was like the island that time forgot. Apple said they shipped it on time (it was due out that day) but FedEx says it wasn’t their fault that it was gotten there after the cut off time, so that day didn’t count in their 2 day shipping window. SERIOUSLY!?! UGH!! Apple, who always exceeds my expectations with shipping, really blew this one. Oh, they technically met all of the deadlines but really - they let hundreds of thousands of us down. I really shouldn’t complain, because I did get comped some really nice swag for my inconvenience, and I never had to raise my voice.

Then next phase of this whole thing was the beginning of my undoing. I found this wonderful thread when I was looking up tracking information. Amazingly there were lots of us in the same boat and letting our frustrations out on the board. Most of it was quite entertaining, some of it irritating and oddly enough some of it was very educational. But then things got a little out of control. This is where I learned about yahoo small business tracking. It is so much more accurate than FedEx’s site. Then I found out that you can actually track live flights around the globe. That was insane, tracking a 14 - 15 hour flight from China to Tennessee. Yes, I waited to watch it land like a kid watching for Santa on Christmas Eve. Then there was the Tennessee to Pennsylvania trip. You would think the closer it got to home, the more I would ease up, right? WRONG. Apparently the insanity only grows the closer it is. Having actually in my hands could be the final straw that pushes me over the edge. I’m sure I will be very entertaining doing my own version of the mad elf (or what ever he was) from Lord of the Rings. “...my precious.... Mine!” Sorry, I completely geeked out there for a second, but I’m back now.

I’m trying to be all calm and collected about this, but I was seriously thinking about taking a sick day for the scheduled delivery day so I am home when it gets here. Cough, cough. :) I’m so not normal, but then again I’ve been told that is part of my charm ;)

Till next time!

Later.

To blog or not to blog, that is the question...

2011-02-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

Ok – I know, that is a really corny title, especially for a first post. But that's me sometimes, cornball-extraordinaire. It’s a requirement for my life, so that I don’t go completely off the deep end when things get to serious, as they very often do. In truth, as corny as it is, it really fits.

There are a lot more reasons not to blog these days than to blog. How many times has what someone has put down in print, let alone sent out into the digital universe come back to bite them in the butt? Who really needs that kind of pressure? I blame the digital gateway drug called “Social Networking” for all the random useless information spewed out at us every day. I am guilty of it myself. Who really cares if I am in the longest line I have ever seen, if my ex is a jerk or if I am now coughing up 3 different shades of green. (Sorry that was gross, but I have seen way worse posted!) That being said, it has been great for connecting with people I haven’t seen in a while. We are all so busy trying to do it all and be everything to everyone, that it is nice to check in with people we genuinely like, but rarely have time to see. If you think about it, it can also be very therapeutic. I have often yelled out the pent up “UGH” virtually, that it would be really inappropriate to express verbally – which saved me from lashing out at anyone in reality. So really my digital self has been able to express things that my real self could never “say”. How very Cybil of me! At least my Twitter-self, Facebook-self and Real-self all play nice together. Hopefully they will welcome the Blog-me into the family with open arms as well.

This whole blog thing came about as a promise to a very dear friend, who is somewhat pit-bull like when she gets something in her head… “You need to do this…” she said. She wasn't asking, she was telling me. The first time she mentioned it, I laughed her off. Then the next time we were video chatting she started in again. I have known her long enough to know that when she gets her mind set on something it will happen. She gave me a check-list before we said our good-byes the last time and I promised her three things that day… to watch “The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo” trilogies (the Swedish version), to get caught up on “True Blood” so I could watch the upcoming season with her & know what is going on and to start writing. I could have easily brushed her off, again - but I've have learned to pick my battles, and this is one I knew I was not going to win.

One promise kept… the writing process has begun. Who knows how often I will post. Could be months between posts or hours, depends on how inspired or frustrated I get. For now I will keep the blog private – only allowing some people to see what is going on behind the magic curtain. But who knows, eventually I might not care that my punctuation and spelling aren’t perfect (especially as I am ranting) or if someone doesn’t like what I have to say. This is about keeping a promise to someone whom I love dearly and respect. Plus, it’s going to save me thousands in therapy!

Till next time…